not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
