Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
