Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
