Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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