Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
