if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im holly from the hills drunk
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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