dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
