He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
