hotel room ftw
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
