we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
