a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
