Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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