You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
