ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When are your genitals available?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
