the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
