Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
