You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
