I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
