i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
