last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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