one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
