Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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