Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
