You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
