I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
