He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
