It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
