If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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