I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
