I wish I could teleport
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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