I want to stick my p in your. b.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
