when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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