he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
