Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
did i just pee glitter
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
