So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
