So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
