at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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