Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
