Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
