he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
