no you cant smoke seaweed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
