Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
