i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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