I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
