I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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