You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found puke in my bra..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
