he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
