I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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