ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think I just sharted jello shots
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
