You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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