my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
